Pachangas
by Ayanai Syn Roijin
Summary: Funny how one seemingly small situation of sexual frustration towards the famous Man of Steel turns into a whole different kettle of fish down the road. Getting love and communication advice from a shrink is bad enough-asking seemingly innocent questions to satisfy your curiosity just might be worse. Careful what you ask for Lois..you just might find yourself in the middle of it.


Disclaimer: I don't own it. You know my ass doesn't own it. That's why you're here—on a fanfic website, to read fanfics. That fans..of fictional characters and situations write weird shit based on comic books, tv shows, etc because single life sucks and we'd much rather be either writing or reading instead of fucking every living thing out there just so we can brag about all the STDs we contracted in alphabetical order.

So yah..I don't own it.

In any case, to those that have read my other fics—thank you thank you THANK you for the support! It's been a while since I've written anything and that's partly due to school, work, the usual bullshit but I surely have not forgotten about writing. I have A LOT of ideas in my head brewing and I can't wait to reciprocate it online. Some are fics, but most are original works that I know you're going to enjoy. OH! And..yes this is going to be a hentai with a continuation as a drama. I've received so many good reviews on Venus vs Mars and requests to write more within those categories..and y'know, I kinda agree thats I should. I'm a perv..and apparently people like readin' my mind. So there. Don't judge me. For my seasoned readers you already know what the deal interest to see more is expressed via reviews, I'll post the second chapter. I already have it in the works near completion, so it'll take me no time to upload it. With that being said..

Enjoy bitches! :D

'**I**'ve always been a sucker for those harlequin books with the happy endings and the romantic rendezvous the characters always have. Tall, dark handsome gentleman sweeping a beautiful young blonde off her feet, subsequently rescued from her previous boorish life, eventually living happily ever after.

Know why we women have thousands of books on the same subject matter?

Because we know in reality, it's a crock of shit.

I mean don't get me wrong I've dated my fair share of guys..heh..I'm no dead fish..but it just seems like _lately_ I'm losing my touch with this one fella.

This one particular fella.

No sex. No Boom boom in the bedroom. None of that southern 'tenda touch'.

Not even a church hug..nothing kind of fella.' …..…**church hug?**"

"Yep."

"_This_ is what you're planning to start your personal article with?"

"Yep."

"..With the word 'shit' in it?"

"Yep. It gets the people goin'."

The old man sighed deeply, promptly taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. He didn't know what was going on with her lately but judging from what he just reviewed there certainly was some sort of 'tension' that needed to be relieved; one that was obviously not being fulfilled by whomever. He was seriously considering firing her or buying her a toy, the lesser of the two he was well aware would've been vastly inappropriate.

"I'm going to be real with you Lois…are you on something?"

The dark haired brown eyed beauty jerked her head slightly at the remark. "On something? Whaddaya mean 'on something'?"

"Because it's evident you've been off your horse lately."

"Tch…" She threw her head back slightly like a snob in a fast food line. "Can't be off something I haven't ridden.."

"Uh..huh. I don't know what that means but.. I think now's the perfect time to tell you this-and I'll soon be making my announcement later on in the day but I've just hired someone to focus on the 'Love and Relationships' section of The Daily Planet. She starts…..well now."

"So…so wait..wait all that I just typed was all for nothing, is what you're telling me. That's awesome, really awesome chief, I enjoy wasting my time."

"Look, all I'm telling you—"

"**Thrive** on it."

"…..all I'm saying to you is just focus on the front line news. That's what you're good at and I have a feeling that's **all** you'll be good at. You know how to get the hard hitters and capture the reader's attention by letting them look at the cold hard facts. You're up for a fourth Pulitzer, you're the most well respected writer in all of Metropolis right now- typing love suggestions to appeal to the lonely people of Metropolis isn't..well it isn't _**your**_ forte. Just stick to the headlines will you?"

"But you wanted me to try something new!"

"No _**YOOOU **_wanted to try something new. **I** just gave **you** the go ahead because I wasn't sure what you'd come out with. Now I know..and frankly it sucks. What got into you all of a sudden to try and write about this kind of stuff anyway?"

"..I just got a lot on my mind lately, chief."

"He's not giving it to you huh? That man is a full blown Christian; you can't expect him to fulfill every desire when the heavenly force is strong in that one."

"..I am not going to discuss.._**him**_ with you right now."

"Can't even say his name huh?" The old man adjusted himself in the seat in an attempt to be more comfortable. In all his years of experience, talking to women about their relationship counterparts always made his back ache for some reason, as if his body was subconsciously preparing for the mental anguish he was going to eventually go through with the drama and babble that was about to surface itself any day or week from that moment. "Look, Clark is a sweet guy..I'm sure it's just taking a bit of getting used to with this new one. The man is from Smallville for God's sake Lois, he's not accustomed to the '**boot it and toot it**' or..however the kids say it nowadays lifestyle. He's no Bruce Wayne."

"..How'd you know about Br—"

"Oh come on Lois the whole office and their _grannies_ knew about you and Bruce! Every damn day you'd walk in here all funny like your legs were about to give out. I may be old but I'm no fool. And some of your best work EVER written, no offense, was when you were with him."

"Well he's old news so.."

"So find something with this new news, but do not let this new news affect your usual news or else **YOU'LL** be old news."

"Chief-"

"Listen..I don't want to pry into your life—"

"Right, _right_."

"—but I'm going to need you to discuss it with one of your girlfriends or something..do make sure you fix your problem. I don't need something as trivial as your sex life affecting our sales. Now go home and get some sleep..take the rest of the day. Take a walk, listen to your Ipod, get a bubble pedicure or whatever."

"But—"

"**HOME**, Lois. You know where that is. Introduce yourself to the new hire before you clock out."

With a heavy sigh of her own, she reluctantly agreed. Perhaps she really did need to get some sleep to take her mind off things. Maybe pop in a movie or something..today, as well as the couple days prior felt more stressed than usual and in the literal sense of the word, nothing was the cause of it. Nothing until she turned around to face the office door..

And there he was.

Hovered over the new intern for the 'Love and Relationships' section, giving her pointers, laughing, chatting it up. The rest of the chief's words fell on deaf ears as she concentrated her focus on Clark and his ever-so-cheerful demeanor. That happy-go-lucky aloof personality that changed whenever he was off and ready to save the world from some kind of destruction.

Superman….tch…who would've thought the Man of Steel would be so blah in the bedroom?

Scratch that..there _was_ no bedroom. The man slept on the couch the majority of the time and if he did sleep in the same bed with her, it was always during 'that time of the month' for her so she couldn't even attempt to try a thing or two.

Look at him, laughing it up with the new girl..was he flirting with her? Was there something about her that _she _didn't have? She'd seen Clark look at her, Lois, a couple of times with that wanting look in his eyes but never once had he approached her about his wants.

His needs.

His _urge_ to grab her by the back of her neck, slam her forcefully against the wall, lick the side of her neck gently as though he were tasting his prey before royally ramming his **thick** cock up her—

"Lois, _there_ you are! I was beginning to think you weren't going to ever come out of the office. Did the chief approve your request to try a different category?"

"No."

**No.** Normally, a sentence followed by a light rant and plots of pointless PowerPoint presentations to argue her reasoning as to why she needed something she was vastly interested in to be approved in her favor would occur, but on this particular day, the response was a simple **no. **Clark Kent shrugged his shoulders and rubbed the back of his neck lightly before wishing the new hire good luck.

"Well uh..maybe he had good reason. I got the new hire all caught up to speed on how everything here works so she should prove to be a valuable asset to our team. "

"Great."

"…Okay..and..uh..are we still on for lunch later? I'd like to take you to that new bistro that opened up on 12th Avenue, I hear they have darn good potato salad."

"**Maybe.**"

"..Uh…..alrighty. Well. Good day ladies."

"**Bye."**

Now the woman sitting between the tensions naturally couldn't help but notice the body languages. Wanting to leave the area but curious to know the issue, she ultimately decided to give her two cents to someone she probably should've thought twice about.

"Problems in love huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"The body language between you two. There's some kind of conflict going on and he's the recipient of it. Get the feeling he's not sure what's going on either and well..looks to me you're not communicating with him on the issue. Might want to start on that before he gets frustrated."

"Listen new girl—"

"Call me Juju."

"I don't care what I should call you, that question is none of your business to ask."

"Then perhaps you should've taken your business out of my personal space and responded to him personally."

"I _DID_ respond to him personally—I wasn't addressing **you**."

"Then address so somewhere else and not two inches away from me. Expect me to ask questions if you're waving your issues about in my face."

"..I'm sorry, but I was not made aware that they had hired a wannabe therapist here to **fuck up my mood.**"

"I'm a Psychologist actually, so I get paid more to fuck up your mood. From Gotham. Great to meet ya."

"….Gotham huh? No kiddin'."

"Yep."

"So..so wait you've dealt with cases such as Two Face, Scarface, Scarecrow?"

"Harley Quinn, Joker, Poison Ivy..all of them. They were actually fun to work with. Seemingly normal people are very abnormal after a while when you're in this sort of field but it does get overwhelming. S'why I came here. Figured I can lend some hearty advice to Metropolis on the psychology of love instead of personality disorders for a change. Two sort of goes hand in hand."

"So you're going to be a 'love doc'?"

"..Never thought about it that way but yeah..call me the 'love doc'. Reading people's personalities and body languages..it's something I've always been able to do since I was a little girl. Watching you and Clark interact in the few seconds just now was obvious and honestly easy for me not to call you out on it. I won't apologize for my statements earlier."

"None taken..actually you're right on the button. Mind if a take a seat next to you?"

"Go ahead. My cubicle's always open."

**====Lois' Point of View===**

In talking with this woman I realized we actually had a lot in common. We both didn't have many female friends on the fact that they're a lot of drama. Hell even myself sometimes can be a handful but no more than a tomboy does on a regular basis. She had a sort of exotic look to her, like she was from some island. Dark skin, dark eyes, dark natural hair, the works. The way how she spoke was that kind of 'I went to private school' type eloquence but it fitted her to a T. I listened as she continued to tell me more about her life in Gotham and in other places she's been..and y'know, I was quite impressed with everything she had said, up until she said a name.

"…In all actuality, the whole Arkham project was funded by both the U.S. government and Wayne Industries. Wayne Industries footed the bill for the majority of everything though..apparently Obama didn't want to touch Arkham in its entirety without fear of some sort of scandal arising from it so **Bruce** took the risk."

"Bruce?"

"Yes, Bruce Wayne. I'm sure you've heard of him, right?"

"Yeah…"

That's when this woman started eyeing me like a piece of meat. Studying me. Watching my every body language. What was she doing?

"See something you like? I know the legs are nice and all-.."

"Hah, funny. I should be asking you if you saw something YOU liked—in your mind. Your whole body language changed when I mentioned Bruce. You two had history. Physical history."

DAMN! The woman was good. Well, no use lying to her now..

"Yeah..used to. Lasted all of five months."

"What made it end?"

"I found out..some things."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Turns out he wasn't who he said he was, personality wise. I couldn't handle it."

"..Ahuh."

"..What's the 'ahuh' for, like you're analyzing me? You don't believe me?"

"Oh no, I believe it. But honestly, whatever it is that you found out must've been pretty bad for you to break it off with him."

I leaned back on the seat and clasped both hands behind my head. Pretty bad..? Well..not really..

..If one considers finding out he's Batman is bad then I guess I have no worries.

"I wouldn't say it was _bad _bad but it was enough for me to break it off. I don't want to talk about it right now, can we move on?"

"Sure."

"Great."

"About Clark."

"Oh God..y'know I'm really not one to talk about my relationships like that. Especially to someone I've only known for five minutes."

"Girl please, whatever you tell me stays between you and I. Besides, he really does seem like a nice guy. And..no offense or anything but..slip up **one** time.."

"Here we go..."

"..and I swear to God I'll WILL take over. I'm sure a lot of other women here agree..especially that sex column writer over there."

"You mean Jillian?"

"That's her name?"

"No that's just what she calls herself. Her real name is 'biggest slut on the planet'. German."

"Seems legit. So what does the skirt have that you feel you don't?"

"Apart from looks and oozing slutty sex appeal? Not much."

"So what makes you think you don't have those things?"

"Juju…have you SEEN Clark? The man is gorgeous. The body is amazing. We've been living together for a month, going out for three months and not ONCE have I seen him naked. He hasn't even tried to..well..y'know…"

"Fuck you?"

"Juju!"

"We're adults here, relax. He hasn't tried to put it in, I get it. To be fair, have you spoken to him about it?"

_**Spoken**_ to him about it? Is she stupid?

"Of course I haven't spoken to him about it..I don't feel as though I should HAVE to. I prance around on my days off in nothing but full pajamas. That alone should be a prelude for a raging hard on."

"..Right so what you're telling me is that you dress like a bum at home and expect Clark to automatically be all over you like white on rice. Yeah no. How about this..you try some suggestive tips and we'll see if it works okay? I know we just met but..hey helping people is what I do in this life. Here..lookit this."

I watched as she eagerly logged on to her computer and started typing away at the browser. Honestly I don't know how the internet was going to help me with my nonexistent sex life but..well..she seemed like she was more than eager to show me. Within a minute or so, my eyes were locked on to the screen of a semi nude woman with risky black and red lingerie, hands behind her head in a pose that would probably make any man dehydrated.

"Ah….I'm not wearing that."

"You don't have to. There're thousands of options to choose from. I'm just saying as a woman if you're going to prance around in nothing but pajamas all day at least let it be something..y'know.._visually_ appealing."

"I don't know doc..I'm suddenly reconsidering continuing this conversation. This all seems a little bit too quick for my blood."

Her brow lowered a bit in slight disappointment..and that was when I felt a small tinge of guilt. I mean yeah sure she IS the new hire and technically speaking with myself being her superior, I shouldn't speak with her on topic unrelated to work but..

Who _else_ was I going to talk to?

Jillian?

That woman had as much common sense as a can of cat food. Yeah sure she had the body and looks, but I shuddered to think the route she would take in order to get to that level of intimacy. I didn't want to go down to _**those**_ levels. I didn't want to have to wear overly tight skirts and revealing cleavage shirts in order to gain Clark's attention..

..I didn't want to fuck him.

I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. That night..that night when he first kissed me, underneath a full moon, underneath the stars..

Three thousand feet in the air above the clouds with my handy dandy mini oxygen mask in hand out of fear of passing out due to my relentless fear of heights and..well..physics in general made me realize that I not only wanted to be his woman..

I wanted to be his **SUPER** woman.

I know..cheesy right? I had envisioned the whole..romantic love making in mid air on the clouds (despite possibly plummeting to death from three thousand feet in the air.) with the heavens watching, celebrating as the moon and the stars watched as silent audiences, secretly cheering for more than just a night..they would be cheering for a lifetime.

Floating back to reality, all my visions of physical carnal alien pleasure was in my head while I sit at home on my days off in full fuzzy bunny pajamas, watching ABC news with a bowl of cheetos and Inca Kola. My love life in cheese puffs..pfft.

"…Five days."

"**Yeeeesss!**"

"And if in five days I don't get any, I require you to be my secret personal assistant for the rest of the month."

"Challenge accepted. And if I DO succeed, I need you to write a letter for me. An article, rather."

"On what?"

"Well..I'll tell you when you get your fun."

"**IF**, you mean."

"Nope.._when._"

"Hah, alright miss confident..we'll see. I'm gonna run out of here and go down by Fredricks. See if I can find that lace..playboy..thing you showed me. You really think this whole thing is going to work?"

"Won't know till you try right? Day one is tomorrow Lois, it's gonna be great!"

**Right.**

Mission accepted indeed.


End file.
